Here we are again, that time of year when all of the NFL yearbooks hit the newsstands and predictions for the year are made 3 1/2 months before the season even begins. Hell, there is still another wave of free agency left. My predictions for last year were pretty damn close. No one ever nails it 100%. Hell, if you are batting .500 you are doing well. (My predictions for last year:NFL 2012: Preview, Predictions, Prognostication, Pragmatically Portrayed Pretentiously)

So, for 2013 I think the class of the league will be the San Francisco 49ers. This is a team that could run the table, but as good as they are, their division rivals from Seattle will only be a step behind ‘em. In fact, it could be that the two best teams in the league are in the same division. I believe the 49ers will win the Super Bowl. Who will they face? I believe it will be a team that has being quietly building and are ready to take a big leap forward. Yes, for the third time, the 49ers will face the Cincinnati Bengals in the Super Bowl. San Francisco will win. Here is how I project the final standings will look:

AFC

East
1.New England Patriots
2.Miami Dolphins
3.Buffalo Bills
4.New York Jets

South
1.Houston Texans
2.Indianapolis Colts
3.Tennessee Titans
4.Jacksonvill Jaguars

North
1.Cincinnati Bengals
2.Baltimore Ravens
3.Pittsburgh Steelers
4.Cleveland Browns

West
1.Denver Broncos
2.Kansas City Chiefs
3.San Diego Chargers
4.Oakland Raiders

NFC

East
1.New York Giants
2.Washington Redskins
3.Dallas Cowboys
4.Philadelphia Eagles

South
1.Atlanta Falcons
2.Tampa Bay Buccaneers
3.New Orleans Saints
4.Carolina Panthers

North
1.Green Bay Packers
2.Minnesota Vikings
3.Chicago Bears
4.Detroit Lions

West
1.San Francisco 49ers
2.Seattle Seahawks
3.St. Louis Rams
4.Arizona Cardinals

Feel free to leave your predictions in the comments, and tell me how far off mine are!

Slayer is a band with more hit singles in the minds of most metalheads than just about every other band combined. This list was voted on heavily on another site that I frequent, and like most people, the omissions are glaring. In my opinion, “Kill Again”, “Hardening Of The Arteries”, and “Evil Has No Boundaries” definitely belong here. However, we can all concede that no ‘Best Of’ list will ever be met with universal agreement. So, without delay, here are the Top 20 Slayer songs… voted on by the people…

1. Raining Blood
2. Angel of Death
3. South of Heaven
4. Seasons in the Abyss        
5. Dead Skin Mask
6. Expendable Youth
7. Silent Scream
8. War Ensemble
9. Hell Awaits
10. Metal Storm/Face the Slayer
11. Postmortem
12. Black Magic
13. Jesus Saves
14. Chemical Warfare
15. Aggressive Perfector
16. Mandatory Suicide
17. Fight Till Death
18. Behind the Crooked Cross
19. Skeletons of Society
20. Die by the Sword

Well, at least they can’t take this away from us… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDbKLLlAfh0

My personal five favorite Slayer songs:
1.Kill Again
2.Evil Has No Boundaries
3.Postmortem
4.Hell Awaits
5.Hardening Of The Arteries

“Sid hit the drums harder than anyone in the 70′s not named John Bonham”, recounted friend and former bandmate Billy Barksdale after the tragic and untimely death of Sid Crickett this morning in his native England. Crickett, a drumming legend, was mostly known as the original skinsman for the controversial Savage Toe before going on to play in other NWOBHM and then later country and western bands such as Viking Cowboy and The Mule Asses. He passed away from sudden masecliosis. Born March 2, 1930, he lived the life of a well-travelled musician until he played his last show last Thursday night in Altoona, Pennsylvania. He’ll long be remembered as the godfather of extreme metal drumming before he abruptly went a different route. Even still, he attended heavy metal shows until the end. He always vocally praised bands like Sarcofago, Vulcano, Masacre and Beherit for keeping the true spirit alive. “It’s sad to think that in an era where people are living until 87, 88 years old, that a healthy man can be overtaken by a disease quickly at 83.” concluded Barksdale.

Here is an audio sample of his work:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDbKLLlAfh0

For more info on the disease that took Mr. Crickett’s life, read: Masecliosis: A new, and deadly, disease.

In a moment of mescaline induced lucidity
We ran forth into the night to seek wisdom
Escaping the carpet sharks which roamed the apartment floor
We hustled out into the wilderness of the city streets

Suddenly… “RAAAAAAWWWWWMMMMPPPPPP”
The cry of the Monster In The Bushes overtook us
Was rampant frogicide in progress? Any hope??
Or should we just filter it and carry on in our quest?

The Cat Of Eternal Pause, the keeper of great universal knowledge
Was working the drive thru window at the Taco Bell
A typical Friday night in that regard, we knew where to go
But would the road carry us there? To gain the Ta-Dum-Dum!

“This carpet was made for tripping” no doubt could that be
But in 14 years of incessantly making records, I’m no closer.
This Cat will give me the Ta-Dum-Dum I crave
Or else our journey is done in vain…

Fighting olfactory terrorism we arrive at the Taco Bell drive thru.
In front of us a a steroided douchenozzle demanding our “PICTURE I.D.!!!”
Behind us, salvation lies in the shrill scream of avenging angels
They cry from two cars back in mock falsetto “I WANT TWO TOSTADAS!!!!”

At last we are in communion with the Cat
He extends to us a bevy of burritos, drinks, and wisdom
“Behold travelers of the night who seek Universal Ta-Dum-Dum,
The secret to Life is ‘DON’T USE ALL THE HOT WATER’”

(The epic poem above is based on several years of absolutely true stories… Remember kids, drugs are bad… remember those of you over 18 who are registered “Smoke A Bowl Vote For Dole!”)

(Back in the mid 90′s, a friend of mine and I went to see a movie at the Tri-City 8 movie theater in Largo, Florida. I do not remember the movie we watched that night, but I DO remember the most important aspect of the movie. There was a guy sitting directly in front of us in the theater that rather quietly and stoically, yet mildly emphatically said “Jesus” everytime ANYTHING happened in the movie. This of course stuck with us over the years and we’ve used the “Jesus” scale to determine the badassedness or awesomeness of anything and everything. So here I’ve decided to imagine what it’d be like watching the classic movie “Airplane!” with the “Jesus” guy. And… “Jesus” guy, if you are out there… thank you infinitely for granting us this inside joke. Amen.)

MCrosky : Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
I want the best available man on this, a man who
knows that plane inside and out and won’t crack
under pressure.

“Jesus” Guy: “Jesus”
Johnny : How ’bout Mr Rogers?
MCrosky : Get me REX KRAMER! Elaine, right next to the throttle
is the air speed gauge. What speed does it indicate?
Elaine : 520 miles per hour.

Jesus” Guy: “Jesus”
MCrosky : Good now, check your altitude. That’s the dial just
below and to the right of the air speed indicator.
Elaine : 35,000 feet. NO wait, 34,000 feet . . . NO WAIT,
its dropping. Its dropping fast, why’s it doing
that? Oh my god, the automatic pilot, its
deflating.

Jesus” Guy: “Jesus”
MCrosky : Don’t panic, on the belt line of the automatic pilot
there’s a tube, now that is the manual inflation
nozzle. Take it out and blow on it.
Passngr : What the hell’s going on up there?
Rumack : Elaine?

Elaine : Yes, Doctor.
Rumack : Elaine, you’re a member of this crew. Can you face
a few unpleasant facts?

Jesus” Guy: “Jesus”
Elaine : NO.
Rumack : Alright, unless I get those people to a hospital
quickly, I can’t even be sure of saving their lives.
Now, is there anyone on board who can land this
plane?

Jesus” Guy: “Jesus”
Elaine : Well, no, no one I know of.
Rumack : I think you ought to know what are chances are. The
life of everyone on board depends on one thing:
finding someone on board who can not only fly this
plane, but who didn’t have fish for dinner.

Jesus” Guy: “Jesus”
Elaine : Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking
We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement
might have caused this is due to periodic airpockets we
encountered. There’s no reason to be alarmed and we hope
you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there
anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Jesus” Guy: “Jesus”

(This review of Immolation’s “Kingdom Of Conspiracy” was submitted to Universe Number Five courtesy of The Slacker)

At first I wondered “where are the fucking cats?”, but on track 1, at around 2:30 the cats begin to be punished, though it’s only a warm up.

I would have to either say that they sound like Immolation due to their sticking with a tried-and-true sound, or that they do not sound like Immolation due to an evolution of the band. One of these statements is true, but I don’t remember bands’ styles very well, so I’d have to listen to a different album to see.

I heard some of the words the angry guy was saying, which made me feel accomplished. I like understanding words in songs, but it’s not a requirement.

Track 3 employs lots of cat torture, whether it’s in the WEEEEEEE-WEEEEEE or the WEEKLYWEEKLYWEEEEWWWWWLLLLL, which is a trademark Immolation thing.

In Track 4 I understand less words and the cats are yowling in full, even melodic, force. One is left to wonder how they can manipulate an animal’s vocal chords to produce such complex sounds. Fucking metal.

I’m not doing a track-by-track thing, now that things have warmed up. I always take a few tracks to acclimate.

I rate this album 19 on the “jesus” scale. A++++ excellent seller, would listen again.

Every review has a quotable thing, so, here: “Immolation’s Kingdom of Conspiracy has guitars, the guy who needs a hug, eviscerated cats and drums. The angry guy delivers a great performance, with the support of the supporting thingies. The feelgood movie of the century”

Memorable quotes:

Angry guy: ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR EEERRR EERR ERRRRRR EEEEEERRRRRR UUUUURRRRRRRRRR

Drums: THMP THMP DOUBLE-MOTHERFUCKING-THMP

Cat: WEEEE WEEEE WEEEEEYYYEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWRRRRRRRR WHEEEEEEEE WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The Slacker can usually be found being drunk and debaucherous at: http://personal.slacker.cc/

Let’s say you get 12 songs to explain to someone what classic death metal is all about… What 12 songs would you give them? Here (off the top of my head) is mine…

Feel free to share the twelve you would use also. (Think 1985 or so to 1994 at the latest)

1.Death – “Lack Of Comprehension”

2.Pestilence – “Stigmatized”

3.Bolt Thrower – “World Eater”

4.Grave – “You’ll Never See…”

5.Atheist – “Enthralled In Essence”

6.Brutality – “Cryptorium”

7.Carcass – “Incarnate Solvent Abuse”

8.Nocturnus – “BC/AD”

9.Hypocrisy – “Penetralia”

10.Incantation – “Christening The Afterbirth” 

11.Morbid Angel – “Chapel Of Ghouls”

12.Disincarnate – “Monarch Of The Sleeping Marches”

Hard as hell ONLY picking 12 songs… YOU give it a try now…

Also:

Top 20 Death Metal Albums Of All-Time

Death Metal Classics: Some Rare, Obscure, And Forgotten Albums You Should Know About…

Book Review: Decibel Magazine – “The Top 100 Death Metal Albums Of All Time”

The world of outrage has turned itself upside-down over a statement made by fashion line Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries that he wants ‘thin and beautiful’ people shopping at his store. OK. It’s free market capitalism and he’s reaching for a certain demographic (that mind you doesn’t include me… thankfully), and certainly it is the definition of materialism and shortsighted shallowness. His prerogative I reckon…

Here’s my point though… why do so many people care about this guy’s opinion? To give this man an ounce of your anger is to state that his opinion of you is worth more than your opinion of yourself. You don’t need some old rich dude who sells clothes to make you feel good about yourself. Your radness lies within and it belongs to you. If you are the kind of person that feels that you need a status symbol such as designer clothing to feel good about yourself, you really need to turn off the TV and realize that you are far greater than any of that materialistic nonsense. We’ve become an easily manipulated culture that seems to thrive on emulation rather than getting in touch with our own inner creative spirits. Why? Because it’s easy and because we’ve put the onus on ‘others’ to dictate how we should act and what we should do (and unfortunately to a greater degree who we should think). Let the shallow people be shallow. It’s all they have. They need it. Don’t get sucked into the vortex of giving up your individualism though to ride their train. It’s merely an illusion and you don’t need it. They can only make you feel badly if you give them permission to do so. Otherwise, take them for what they are… simple thoughts directed for simple people… and let them have it. Empower yourselves to think beyond the bullshit. You don’t need them, and they don’t need you. Just let it be and it will go the way that nature dictates it… (More importantly… consider how you feel about this when YOU make a shallow judgment about someone else in the future regarding any aspect of their appearances, beliefs, etc.)

I’m just as happy to take my overweight self to Wal-Mart and get a plain T-shirt to wear… it’s cheaper, more practical, and serves the same purpose!

Guaranteeing what will be the ultimate heavy metal return-to-form of 2013, Metallica is in the studio working on their latest record “Onward To Golgotha.”  The title allegedly comes from a book or something or other that drummer Lars Ulrich heard someone talking about. Apparently, he thought the title properly summed up what Metallica’s music is all about. In fact, he went on a 20 minute diatribe to give an answer to a yes-or-no question about it. As for the music itself, the band’s publicist promises that it will recapture the sound of the era between their first garage rehearsals and the “No Life ‘Til Leather” demo. yet, it will be recorded with high priced digital equipment that survived the kangaroo rampage, so you shouldn’t hear anything that sounds too raw. Unfortunately. Tentative songtitles so far include “Little Engine”, “Havoc, Inc.”, “The Unforgiven Part IV.5″, and a cover of Player’s “Baby Come Back”. In an effort to reclaim the spirit of their ‘old’ sound, the band has been, according to reports, spotted wearing long hair wigs…

We’ll have more on this story after we ride the lightning to save ourselves from the Legion Of Incomprehensible Ooh-Yeah-Yeah’s!