Universal Sports League 2013 Preseason Power Rankings

Here we are at the beginning of another new season at the Universal Sports League and we couldn’t be more excited. Will the Houston Thunderbears be able to defend their title this year or will the untimely death of their third string point quarterfielder Louis Walters have a profound effect on the team’s ability to transcend the Surfing Chicken defense technique of the Orlando Solar Bears who they only barely (bearly) defeated in last years Finalbowlcupionship Match? Going into the season, this is how we rate the teams:

1.

The Orlando Solar Bears have spared no time tweaking their special teams after their loss in last year’s Finalbowlcupionship Match. They were able to trade their number 3 defensestoptender Tyrone Carter to Memphis to get the #2 draft pick with whom they drafted left handed jab specialist Mikhail Lukkanikov-Benson. I think it’s safe to say the Solar Bears will win at least 82% of their contests this year.

 

2.

The San Antonio Gunslingers made the greatest strides in the offseason. Besides equipping all of their players with horses, their new coach Dale Wilson also had all of his players learn Aikido. These new skills are sure to launch the Gunslingers to the top of the Western Division, even though the average member of in state rival Houston outweighs them by 171 lbs.

 

3.

After winning 3 of the last 4.5 titles, people are beginning to think that age has finally caught up with the Houston Thunderbears. Their general managers assures us that this isn’t the case even though their starting left power keeper is 62-year-old Frank Cullen. The team is still hungry and formidable and should definitely make the postseason for the 21st consecutive season.
4.

After finishing in 4th and final place in the Western Division the last seven years it looks like the time is right for the Oakland Oaks to finally start to gain some ground. Luckily for them, they play in the same division as Memphis, which many consider to be the worst pro sports team since the 1991 Raliegh Durham Skyhawks. If Oakland starts to show signs of life, the league may finally get to expand to another West Coast team. I hear Coos Bay, Oregon is great this time of year.

5.

Despite having the best looking cheerdancerladies in the league, the Macon Whoopee missed the playoffs last year in no small part due to the 17 contest losing streak to conclude the season. Giving that they are clearly the secon best team in the Eastern Division this year that should not be the case. Middle Linefielder Ray Johnson is back from the horrible brain injury, pancreatic cancer, torn ACL, and raging head cold that plagued hm in 2012. That spells potential trouble for everyone else in the league.

6.

The Atlanta Silverbacks (formerly the Pittsburgh Maulers) are hoping a change of venue will help them overcome their poor play in the low post last season. Although they were first in the league in 4th inning knockouts, their short game cost them at least 20 potential victories. If this team finds balance, they… won’t be as clumsy?

7.

Even though they’ve been one of the most consistently good franchises in the USL the last decade, poor attendance has caused the owner of the Tampa Bay Tritons to basically give away all of their talent for 2013 in an inevitable cost cutting measure. If not for Memphis, they’d probably be the worst team in the league. Right now the team has just two returning starters, 20 rookies, and a homeless guy named Steve playing weakside wing catcher.

8.

My goodness the Memphis Chicks are awful. In fact, they’d probably be better if they stayed true to their name and replaced all the dudes with Chicks. I can’t imagine this team winning more than 3 contests this season. If the team doesn’t fold halfway through the season to preserve at least some shred of dignity, they at least deserve some some kind of award.

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