NFL 2012: Preview, Predictions, Prognostication, Pragmatically Portrayed Pretentiously

Here we are again… that magical time of the year! On the precipice of another NFL season full of hope for 31 pretenders and their fans, yet only one will remain standing at the end… unless the Mayans were right and the season comes to a complete halt around the third week of December. You’d think they’d have had the forethought to wait until after the Super Bowl, but if there’s one thing we know about the Mayans, they weren’t beyond making sacrifices.  This season is full of intrigue for more reasons than could be listed, but best not concern ourselves will the most infinitesimal of details at this point. This is the time of year when most die hard fans are bestowing their predictions of how the season unfolds. why do we do this? Not to be correct, that is for sure. The only time a season was ever correctly predicted was when Martin “The Stick” Elwood of Duluth, Minnesota correctly predicted the entire 1938 season. This is more an exercise in good-natured conjecture, debate, and absolute guesswork that is all part of extreme fandom, or as Nostradamus called us “those bereft of life beyond the gridiron.” I was actually going to make an audiobook version of this article read by John Facenda, but…

2012 NFL Predictions:
AFC EAST
1.New Engand Patriots
2.Buffalo Bills (which may opt to go for their full name, Williams, given the addition of Mario)
3.New York Jets
4.Miami Dolphins

AFC NORTH
1.Baltimore Ravens
2.Cincinnati Bengals
3.Pittburgh Steelers
4.Cleveland Browns (yes, named after a cartoon charcter)

AFC SOUTH
1.Houston Texans
2.Tennessee Titans
3.Jacksonvill Jaguars
4.Indianapolis Colts (the only team bad enough to keep the Jags out of the cellar)

AFC WEST

1.Denver Broncos
2.Kansas City Chiefs
3.Oakland Raiders
4.San Diego Chargers (The Norv Failware…uhh…. Farewell Tour)

NFC EAST
1.Philadelphia Eagles
2.New York Giants
3.Dallas Cowboys
4.Washington Redskins (Named after a potato)

NFC NORTH
1.Green Bay Packers
2.Detroit Lions (Pronouced DAY-Twah, now that they are sophisticated)
3.Chicago Bears
4.Minnesota Vikings

NFC SOUTH
1.Atlanta Falcons
2.New Orleans Saints
3.Tampa Bay Buccaneers
4.Carolina Panthers (Cam will have to endure the dreaded sophomore slump, but will still be fun to watch)

NFC WEST
1.San Francisco 49ers
2.Saskatchewan Roughriders
3.Calgary Stampeders
4.Oregon Ducks

AFC Championship: Denver over Baltimore
NFC Championship: San Francisco over Philadelphia

Super Bowl:
San Francisco 24, Denver 13
Megadeth will NOT play the Half Time Show. It’ll probably be that “Call Me Maybe” chick.

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