Heavy Metal Newsflash 6/25/12 (Dio Band Reunion, Exhorder's Mistake, Etc.)

       According to The National Metal Summit, the band Dio will be reforming with a new lead vocalist. The given reason: ”The great music we wrote together should never die.” A band representative said “we may record again, but it is not likely. We are keeping the name Dio however, as it was the name of the band, and this will serve as a living tribute to the great man who was our singer for many many years.” As to the new vocalist, Wade Black was high on the band’s wishlist, but after last week’s news, it appears the guys may be targeting none other than former Queensryche vocalist Geoff Tate….. All of the major record companies are now bidding on what they see as the next ‘big thing’ in pop music. According to ToTMZ, pornogrind bands are being offered obscene amounts of money and will probably rule MTV and FM radio for the next couple years. Cock And Ball Torture, Intestinal Disgorge, and Rompeprop have all been offered millions of dollars in this bidding war….. New Orleans deathrashers Exhorder have recently come clean about the biggest mistake in their music careers. “We should’ve never sold the rights to the song “Desecrator” to Oprah Winfrey, said Kyle Thomas in a candid interview. “When that became her theme song, we became wealthy but at what cost? I can’t even go to the gas station without some potatohead demanding that I sing the song to them. It became a greater burden than anything.” We didn’t bother asking Thomas what he thought about rapper Lil Phat sampling “Desecrator” for his song “Obtopsey”, but we can only imagine that it came with his complete blessing….. 15 out of every 23 first graders in Peoria, Illinois admitted to using cocaine by the time they were out of Kindergarten. Quite a staggering number as officials expected it to be no more than 3 out of 19. The state attributes it to the rising number of country music fans among youth and its lack of physical and mental stimulation….. Also, this one is too good not to share. Apparently Vinnie Paul will be guesting on Bret Michaels’ new album. Why the fuck not?? They are both mediocre musicians who gained fame for reasons other than their ability to actually play music. That record is probably gonna be the worst thing since the day Greenville, South Carolina banned fried chicken on Sundays, or was that Mayor Dumbfuck Bloomberg of  New York City? I get those two cities confused…..We’ll have more on these stories after we beat up that kid over there and steal his Iron Fist comic book.

For more on the Vinnie Paul/Bret Michaels cheesiness:
http://www.panterachat.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=53925

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