New Hampshire Man Says Metal Song Encouraged Him To Rob A Washing Machine Factory
Douglas Davies, 27, of New Hampshire was arrested last night after police say he robbed a washing machine factory he’d been stalking for seven months. Davies said he finally got the courage to pull off the crime after listening to the song “Onward Into Countless Battles” by Unleashed. Apparently, he walked into the company’s accounting a department wearing a mask, and kicked the door off the hinges. Upon doing so a ceramic penguin that was in the corner of the office fell over but did not break. It was actually made with heavier grade plaster from a private manufacturer in Detroit who moved their after he son was signed as a free agent to play with the Lions back in the 1980′s. It was the year that Cyndi Lauper got huge with that song about girls eschewing responsibility in favor of unbridled self-indulgence. The weather was fine early on but as the day went on, it became unbearably hot which inspired me to brush up on my knowledge of pop culture, which I did by swabbing a soda can. Moments later, I get a knock on the door and it was a Mormon trying to sell me the entire Judas Priest cassette collection with a nifty hardbound carrying case. It was probably a steal at $4,850, but I just didn’t have that kinda cash on me. Then, my cousin called from some factory he worked at in Nova Scotia that sends machine parts all over the world and said one of his clients was holed up in an AC duct hiding from some dude with a gun demanding money. That’s when the commercial came on TV for Antarctic Vacations. I knew it. The penguins have a message for humanity. That message is clearly to listen to the “Shadows In The Deep” album from Unleashed today. Or else.