Five Heavy Metal Myths, Rumors And Legends Dispelled… And Five Rumors That May Be True
Like every other subculture in society, heavy metal fans have lived for years in a world half generated by myths and rumors. A fictitious world has been created to where sometimes we can’t seperate the genuine from the hoax. We at Universe Number Five have decided to take on some of the biggest rumors in the heavy metal universe and show that they were generated by overzealous fans who wanted to deify their heroes, satire writers looking to invent a scoop, or space aliens looking to control planet earth through the chaos and confusion of mind-control while flying through the cosmos completely in the nude or something.
Rumor #1: KERRY KING TRIED OUT FOR DREAM THEATER…
…but was laughed out of the rehearsal room for lacking the prowess to play their music. Absolutely false. Kerry King is very good at some things, such as having a bald head and a long goatee. He’s even good at playing Slayer riffs. However, even Kerry himself will tell you that he’d never audition for something as impossible as being John Petrucci’s second fiddle. Playing well-crafted prog metal is not his thing, and he knows it, so he stays where he knows he will excel.
Rumor #2: LARS ULRICH KICKED OUT DAVE MUSTAINE BECAUSE…
…he had no prayer of keeping up with Mustaine’s riffs. False. Although eventually this may have proven true, because Mustaine was far more talented than anyone else in Metallica not named Cliff Burton, Mustaine was actually ejected from the band because his attitude and drug problem became too much for the band to handle. It worked out better for everyone though. Could you imagine Lars trying to play the material from the “Rust In Peace” album??? Me neither…
Rumor #3: GLEN BENTON PLAYED BASS IN A COUNTRY BAND…
…all the way up until the release of Deicide’s second album “Legion.” False. Any extra-curricular jamming that Benton was doing, especially in the country music world, would have been done before he started branding a pentagram into his noggin. I’ve heard from sources that he did play in a Quiet Riot cover band before Amon, but very unlikely he was still covering the Oak Ridge Boys while writing “Lunatic Of God’s Creation.”
Rumor #4: KANYE WEST ONCE INTERRUPTED MOTORHEAD…
False… There are many reports still saying that Kanye West is still alive, which proves this never happened.
Rumor #5: A BRAWL ONCE BROKE OUT BETWEEN QUORTHON AND CRONOS…
…over a bag of Bar-B-Q Fritos chips. False. It has been recounted by at least five people who were there that this did not happen. It was a bag of Ruffles instead. Also, it was more of a staredown than a brawl. And William Jefferson Clinton supposedly was present when this happened.
A few rumors that we were NOT able to disprove, and very likely have some degree of validity:
- Conrad Lant, aka the aforementioned Cronos of Venom, very like IS the uncle of Kate Middleton, some chick who married some Prince Somethingorother of England… (Source: Tyranny Of Tradition)
- Vanessa ‘Monarchess’ Alicea actually DID once perform backup vocals onstage for a band out of Florida called Quantum Chaos. The song was called “Graveyard’.
- Peter Steele was, perhaps, only 5’10. And he may have owned a boat yet not a drone spyplane.
- Blackie Lawless did once skip an entire summer vacation to attend college study courses in the subject of history.
- The Great Kat NEVER made a porn video or sex tape with Prince or any of the Revolution for that matter. Or Harry Connick.
I just have to know, did Cookie Monster invent Metal?! Or can you dispel this? Did Sesame Street have something up their sleeve with “me want me cookie”? Hmmmmm…inquiring minds…
As far as my sources have indicated, Chris Barnes was heavily inspired by Cookie Monster as a child. It’s a well known fact that “C is For Cookie” was the first death metal song.
Conversely, Gollum was the first to try doing black metal vocals.
No, Conrad Lant is NOT Kate Middleton’s uncle. Some simple research into her lineage can prove that. Add to that, the Royal Family would never have let Kate get that close if Cronos was a relative.
Pity, It would be quite awesome if he was.
Sometimes, a loving uncle is disavowed… lol.
Excellent article..spot on w/ everything
Did Quorthon get the bag of chips? Goddamnit the world needs to know this! If Quorthon did not win the tug of war of potato chip bags that alone would explain the shift in the musical direction of Bathory. While Venom would play the same style and Venom like the potato chips, would eventually get greasy, stale, salty, boring and eventually be a poorer imitation of it’s original Ruffle self.
I wonder if we could blame an empty potato chip tin on that horrible drum sound (hell, horrible album, even) “Octagon”….