Top 5 Opeth Albums

I am not a diehard fanboy, but I do honor Opeth as being an incredibly talented and forward thinking band. While 100% of you will vehemently disagree with my list here, this is my story and I’m sticking to it. I first heard Opeth back in 1997 when I bought “Morningrise” out of curiosity. I played the hell out of it for a month, but have listened to it very little since then.  I knew the first time I heard “The Drapery Falls” though (one morning on the way to work in 2001) that that particular song was one of the most perfect pieces of music ever crafted, and “Blackwater Park” was going to stick with me forever. Here is how I rank my 5 favorite Opeth albums. Feel free to a)hate and b)share your top five:

5		Opeth Still Life (1999)
4		Opeth Orchid (1995)
3		Opeth Heritage (2011)
2		Opeth Damnation (2003)
1		Opeth Blackwater Park (2001)

Fans Riot When Band Refuses To Play Their Hit Song

In what is being called a vulgar display of bad concert ettiquette and possible bestiality, a riot erupted in Pine Bluff, Arkansas Sunday night when the metal band Chokehold Prophecy refused to play their ‘hit’ single (…with a bullet). All 325 people in the audience were arrested and a few cattle and sheep were returned to their owners once the dust settled.

After taking the stage at 9:00 pm, the band kept asking the fans if they wanted to hear the ‘hit’. Of course they were merely teasing the audience. When the band came back onstage at 10:45 to play their encore, fans were sure they were gonna hear the song they came to hear, but that is when the band suckerpunched the fans by playing their song “Eyeworm” instead (for the third time that night).

If there is one thing you should know about Arkansans, you do NOT get their hopes up and fail to deliver. Just ask Mike Huckabee. During that final song, all fans in attendance started running around hitting each other and causing general mayhem to the livestock in attendance. “It looked like an angry version of duck duck goose” said promoter Steve “The Stick” Willoughby. “Them kids oughten to be ashamed of themselves. All that violence. I am as mystified as a raccoon caught in the bumper of a Ford.”

So, what was the song the crowd was desperate to hear? It was none other than the band’s metallized cover of the Circle Jerks’ song “World Up My Ass.” In a statement to the press yesterday, guitarist Anton Finch promises the band will never play a show without doing that song again “so as to keep the peace and whatnot.”

 

Latest Internet Memeing Craze: Posing As Messiah Marcolin At Walmart

Ahhh, that wacky internet generation is at it again. Another “Meme-Of-The-Month” has reared it’s ugly head. This time, people are visiting their local Walmart appearing as close as possible to former Candlemass singer Messiah Marcolin. “Wal-Marc-ing” for short. Well internet, don’t let us get in the way of your fun… keep on keepin’ on…

Top 10 Devin Townsend (And His Bands) Albums

With someone as prolific and undeniably genius as Devin Townsend, it is hard to narrow his albums down to a mere top 10. In my estimation, he only released one lackluster album (the self-titled Strapping Young Lad album – a record that I had insanely high expectations for.) This list will not be universally agreed with, in fact I bet very few share my top 2 picks. However, while my #1 pick doesn’t display his usual otherworldly technical creative prowess, the story it tells and the way in which it tells it is as timeless as selling out and compromising your art for the almighty dollar. Now if only he’d record a Cryptic Coroner album…

Along with Mike Patton, Devin Townsend is my favorite musician alive today. Here are my ten favorite albums he has given us (and yes, I did consider the Vai album when making this list):

10		Devin Townsend Ocean Machine: Biomech (1997)
9		Devin Townsend Ki (2009)
8		Devin Townsend Terria (2001)
7		Devin Townsend Deconstruction (2011)
6		Strapping Young Lad Heavy as a Really Heavy Thing (1995)
5		Devin Townsend Synchestra (2006)
4		Devin Townsend Epicloud (2012)
3		Strapping Young Lad City (1997)
2		Devin Townsend Infinity (1998)
1		Punky Brüster Cooked on Phonics (1995)

Is “Cunt” A Bad Word?

The cruelest stare I ever incurred from anyone in my entire life was back in 1999 when I had the audacity to use the word ‘cunt’ within earshot of some broad I worked with. She quickly let me know that “that word should NEVER be used when a woman is around.” Well, unlike her, I grew up in an era where people recognized gender equality (equal rights rock!), thus I never take a census when I decided to say the word. Now, in 2013, I asked language expert Lisa Thastikke of the Solomon Language Society if the word ‘cunt’ is actually a profanity.

Whereas it means different things in different cultures, and is subject to the interpretation of the individual, it turns out that ‘Cunt’ is, in fact, NOT a profanity. In England, it could refer to a guy who plays on a football club that you despise. In Australia, it could refer to a player on a rugby club that you despise. In Germany, it could refer to an angry know-it-all elitist self-described metal journalist. In America, it could be a pejorative term for vagina. However, according to Ms. Thastikke, none of those are the REAL meaning of the word. “The word ‘cunt’ literally means nation of origin. It is short for Cunt Tree, and goes back to a time when people were more likely to occupy dense forest dwellings before they took a bite out of the earth and erected cities. Throughout history, people have often referred to ‘cunts’ as where from which they came. For instance, my cunt is America. My co-worker, though, is a Brazilian cunt. The rude bitch that runs this department is a Jamaican cunt. It is not profanity, just an announcement of one’s place of origin.”

We’d like to thank her for clearing this up. For the rest of you, do you still think ‘cunt’ is a bad word? If you want to let others dictate what is socially acceptable and live inside society’s box as an intellectually inhibited servant, that is fine. It is your prerogative. If, however, you want to break those chains and be free, leave a comment proudly proclaiming what kind of cunt you are. It doesn’t have to be your nation of origin, it can be anything descriptive of you as an individual. It’s 2013, let’s take the word back and abolish this linguistic slavery!

I AM A HAIRY CUNT! Your turn!

If It’s A Battle That Tyranny Of Tradition Wants… Don’t Let The Beat Maul Ya, Playah

Tyranny Of Tradition wants to call Universe Number Five a place of non-truths and half-truths?? Well, I’m about to get tRUTHLESS. They wanna battle, I’m gonna take this old school…

*imagine an angry gangsta rap beat*

“Drop that first ‘y’ ‘cuz you’re soft like a Tranny
Vernacular outdated like Little orphan Annie’s granny
Perpetratin’ falsehoods like a Supreme Court Justice
Heard Radikult? Why even discuss this?
Digging real deep to rouse the rabble
Psychobabble it’s ALL psychobabble
Step to my site and we’re gonna have words
Typed in a font guaranteed to disturb

In A-Town even CNN should admire
The kinda BS spewed by the Town Liar
See mud, you sling it, see blood, I Spillett
Like the internet before you killed it
No one left to fall for the ruse
Less realistic than the 13 o’ clock news
Step to my site and we’re gonna have words
Typed in a font guaranteed to disturb

You down with T.O.T – Hell no not me!
You down with T.O.T – Hell no not me!

If I’m Al-Qaeda then I’ve got lexicon bombs
Aimed at http://www.tyrannyoftradition.com
The intellectual equivalent of Pantera
Your brain’s a leaky faucet, just like Farrah
Let the poor fools keep falling for tricks
But stay on guard when you Enter Da Plyx
Step to my site and we’re gonna have words
Typed in a font guaranteed to DISTURB!”

“Albums Only Friday” Playlist: 6/14/13

I managed to survive the workday today with a little help from the following albums:

1		Porcupine Tree In Absentia
2		Faithful Breath Gold ‘n’ Glory
3		Savage Grace Master of Disguise / The Dominatress
4		Clutch Pure Rock Fury
5		Punky Brüster Cooked on Phonics
6		Pentagram Last Rites
7		Strapping Young Lad City
8		Submarine Silence Submarine Silence
9		Mr. Bungle California
10		D.R.I. Thrash Zone
11		Anacrusis Screams and Whispers
12		Manowar Into Glory Ride