Brandon “Satanhammer” Taylor of Memphis, Tennessee has never been considered the brightest among his peers, but the fire he sparked late last night will have an impact for years to come. Trying to mimic his heroes of the early Norwegian black metal music scene, Taylor decided to burn Church’s. Not churches, mind you, but Church’s… the fried chicken restaurant. The act will likely land him in prison for many years, but no doubt he will feel martyred. Taylor was quoted as telling some friends that he intends to be as “reviled as Kristian Vikernes (alleged musician for a band called Burzum) and as worshipped as Oystein Aarseth (inventor of the cotton gin).” After sending letters to “false, non-evil” local metal bands like A Shogun Named Marcus and Kreapr accusing them of being pretenders and eventual goat food, Taylor was court ordered to stay away from several Memphis concert venues. Most people blame his anger on not being hired as the guitarist for Pengea (whom he considered evil, yet decidedly not black metal). Others, of course, write him off as a misguided kid who simply did not get enough hugs as a child.
We’ll have more on this story after we dodge a blaze in the northern sky under a funeral moon.
The Angry Taco… *dun dun dun!!!*
(My 11-year-old D-Sizzle also decided to give this blogging thing a try. Here is his story…)
One day in Mexico a scientist created a growth serum. He tried it out on a somehow deformed taco. At first nothing happened at all, so he put more serum on the taco. The next day he went into his mom’s basement (where he works) and the taco was gone. He searched everywhere, his toilet, under his bed, and in his pocket. It did not seem to be anywhere. He went to his freezer to get a frozen pizza. The taco was in his freezer gnawing on the frozen enchiladas. The taco also had a face that seemed to be drawn in, red Sharpie. The taco had not gotten any bigger at all though. It kept on growling at the scientist. Then it hit him. The taco had turned evil. He jumped out and ran to the nearest Taco Bell. it seemed that the taco had a craving for Mexican food. The scientist then called the biggest taco eater he knew …..TACOZILLA .He told him to hold a taco to attract the evil one. He held the taco and sure enough the evil one came. He had to hurry up and eat it. He ate it in a total of 22 seconds.
THE ENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND DUN DUN DUN.
Angry Mob Attacks Chicken
(My 9 year old son, X-Man, asked to write a story here. Enjoy.)
People these days like to eat chicken and kill them. Today i saw an angry mob shooting one with AK-47′s. The chicken got away but with a giant wound. Then the S.W.A.T. team came then a shootout was born.The S.W.A.T. killed them all. Then the chicken came back and started a riot by blowing up cars.
P-KOKKKKKKK!!!!!
One of Sting’s 82 homes was the setting of one of the strangest protests of the last half century. Thousands of fans of the defunct gangsta rap group NWA gathered at the music icon’s Mississippi home to show their rancor at Sting’s former band The Police. Holding up signs that said everything from ”Fuck The Police” to “Fuck Tha Police”, the group paraded for three hours Thursday morning. NWA gained fame in the late 80′s for having the audacity to challenge the system with no regard for consequences. Their boldness gained them worldwide fame and infamy. Regaling listeners with tales of the ghetto life, gang fights, their affinity toward women, and their desire to procure items through illegal means if necessary, the rappers resonated with people from all socio-economic strata around the globe.
The group also wrote a song with a very cryptc message. Fans of the band have, for 24 years, worked diligently to decipher the lyrics to the song “Fuck Tha Police”. About half of them believe the song is a straightforward account of hostility being lobbed toward law enforcement officers. The other half have decoded it to mean vitriol against the English rock band The Police, who were led by vocalist, bassist, and finger wrapper Sting. Until Ice Cube or Dr. Dre finally tell the fans the truth, the world will never know for sure, but perhaps this is better left a mystery to the imaginations of the group’s still huge fanbase.
Hey folks, as we are now moving our headquarters from the Moon to our new location somewhere in the Pleiades, we will be taking a short hiatus. Getting instellar passports for all of our journalists has proven to be quite time consuming. So, until you hear from us again, enjoy our greatest hits… or at least our stories that gained the greatest amount of hits.
Van Halen Reveals Reason For Cancelled Tour Dates
According to reports, rock legends Van Halen have finally let the cat out of the bag about the reason behind the 30 cancelled tour dates this summer. Rumors have been circulating that there is friction within the band again, but not is not the case this time. It appears that Eddie Van Halen has caught a terrible case of hiccups that seem to last 5 to 6 hours every single day. He finds it impossible to play the guitar during these fits as it makes his hands jerk quickly “creating a terrible din that is somewhat similar to grindcore”. This has been the case for the last three weeks and it can’t be guaranteed to be fixed by the summer months. “He has held his breath and drank a lot of water, but to no avail” said band spokesperson Russell Bryant. “Doctors are completely befuddled here.”
The band considered keeping the tour intact by possibly replacing Eddie with Nuno Bettencourt, John Mayer, or Murray Cook. However, the band is under the impression that fans want to actually see the band, including Eddie, not just hear their songs. It would be the first time Eddie was replaced in a live gig since Guy Mann Dude sat in for him at a show in Washington state back in 1990. Although very few people noticed, it apparently scared Eddie to know that he could be replaced if need be.
We’ll have more on this story after we finish listening to “Women And Children First.”
“The Beatles Of Our Generation Have Called It A Day”
It is not everyday that a band of this caliber breaks up, but sadly time is winding down on one of the most definitive musical acts of our time. Upon completion of their current tour of Australia, three-fourths of The Wiggles will call it a day. Anthony Field will continue on with three new members, but come on, one does not simply replace Murray Cook’s creative guitar work, Jeff Fatt’s narcoleptic tendencies, and Greg Page’s…uhhh… Greg-ness?? This will truly be a day of infamy in the annals of music history. Murray Cook probably has no interest in rebuilding his former band Katastrophus, as that would be simply awkward. Jeff and Greg will probably not carry on as music critics and journalists for Universe Number Five, but that door is always open. I say the old songs should be stricken from the band’s future live sets. “Fruit Salad” and “Hot Potato” will never have integrity if not played by the original band. To imagine “Here Comes The Bear” without the real Fab Four… it’s just heart-wrenching. It would be a stab to the band’s old school fans. As long as Anthony doesn’t completely sell-out though and make an album of radio-friendly material, I’m sure there will still be a measure of decency to it…
Who needs crap like Metallica when you can have THIS instead?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jhvgv3f2bgE
